How was your day?
I haven’t wrote for a while and tonight probably isn’t the best time to start, but I guess this is a therapy for me. I have so many emotions and for some stupid reason non of them are good. I should be grateful and happy and all of that other bullshit, but I can’t seem to pull it together or make sense of my head hurting so bad.
Yesterday was very interesting. I got up and went to the Rockies committe meeting….that is always fun. I don’t know why I am developing such cynacism towards CA. If it wasn’t for that damn program I wouldn’t be sober today. I wouldn’t have the choices that I have today and I’d never have the opportunities that I have. Being involved on the business level is something that I want to support, but sometimes I wish for the simplicity of early sobriety. With recovery comes responibility. A responsiblilty to spread the message and make sure that the program that saved my life is there ti save others lives…….sometimes its all I can do to save my own.
Last week my garage door broke. Amanda was opening it and it came off the track. It wasn’t her fault. I wasn’t home but when I saw it I new that my landlord had probably freaked out…..and she did. I guess she was convinced it was because somebody had slammed it….we didn’t. Well yesterday when I got home Amanda had taken it upon herself to go in there and fix it. That alone would send my landlord screaming. So Laura and I go out there to check on her and try to help so it didn’t get worse. It was probably 150 degrees in that garage and I haven’ been feeling good anyway, so after a little while of frustration I decided to go in and lay unter the air conditioning for a minute. No sooner had I walked inside Laura called me in what I thought was anger, “GET OUT HERE, NOW!” I went for the door and as soon as I walked outside I saw Amanda. There was blood covering her face and down the front of her shirt. I didn’t know what to do. I took her inside and ran out to Laura to find out why she was still out there. I guess the metal wire had come loose and flew up into Amanda’s face. Laura was holding the door up just trying to figure out how get out of the garage. She thought Amanda had lost her eye! She didn’t…..thank God. She recieved 6 stitched 1/4 away from her eye…another cut on her cheek and one across her nose. She almost lost her bottom eyelid.
Amanda’s mom is in town and took her to the emergency room, while Laura called her Dad about the garage door. (Which by the way they couldn’t fix) I had another drama to deal with. My friend Ariana, who I went through treatment with had been calling me hysterically since I was still in my committee meeting. I knew I was her only stable support and it had to do with her daughter who she hasn’t been able to contact for four years. The little girls stepmom wanted to see Ari, I don’t want to go into detail but lets just say she has some serious problems, that they believe are Ari’s fault. I took Ari to meet this woman who told her that she didn’t care if she lived or died and watched my friend have to come to terms with the consequences of her actions before she went to jail. I am the strong one right. I walked her and her husband through the anger and showed them that this woman doesn’t care about anybody but that little girl and that they should do whatever they can to help. No matter how well she handled it, I knew that alot had been dumped on her, and four years of questions and worry had all been landslided into a five hour period. I was worried about my friend.
Let me say first that I don’t stand up and defend Ari as much as I would. I just can’t bring myself to fight for someone that I don’t believe is doing all that she can. She is going through some major shit and I am proud that she is still clean and doing well, but I don’t think that alcohal is any better. Besides that fact that her and her husband still drink…..he is on ankle monitor and basically on house arrest. There shouldn’t be alcohal in the house period.
That is just me. I will be there for somebody, when I shouldn’t and right now I don’t know if I have a marriage left because of it. My battery on my laptop is dying so I must stop and didn’t even get to the dramatic events of today.
I am going to go home and try to sleep, or end up fighting because Laura is so mad at me. I just want to feel at peace. My number one goal is my son, and nothing is going to stop me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!