So….. I seem to be very bad at keeping this blog going and I am not sure why. There is something about an old fashioned journal that has always seemed to keep my attention much longer than an open style technologically advanced dialog. I love to write and despite my overwhelming opinions I usually keep myself pretty low key these days. Staying out of any debates and expressing my self in other ways. My life has always seemed to go by rather fast, but I would have to say that this last year has been merely a flash of existence. Days go by and then months and all the good intentions in the world cannot slow the space time continuum. I feel like I am truly in the light these days and although life is never perfect, just being in the light makes the time seem to just fly by. The darkness that can at some points surround us takes away that feeling. Like somehow we can get lost in the dark and forget that life is still moving.
There is so much going on in my life these days and yet I see them all with a new appreciation. Again, that speed of light has allowed my to see things through the sunshine. I am able to visibly see the entire picture through to the other side. I lived so much of my life just stumbling over my feet in the dark, never being able to see more than a few inches in front of my face. I see all the amazing people around me and all that they accomplish. We all face different challenges and trials, and yet when it comes down to it we are all the same spiritual beings that need to know that they are loved and appreciated. I love that saying that everyone you meet is facing some sort of battle. It reminds us that we have no idea what really goes on in others life’s and to treat them accordingly. I wouldn’t want to be the one to yell at the store clerk over something menial, without ever knowing that she just buried her only child. I don’t want to be the one to destroy someones self image though degrading comments only to find out that my words were the last thing they ever heard. I am a very guilt driven person, and believe it or not I don’t always see that as a bad thing. I don’t want to tell people no when they need something. I don’t want anyone around me to be unhappy. I know that can be a serious character defect on my part because someone elses happiness is not my responsibility. However, if nothing else I don’t have to contribute to the negative things that they normally receive.
I suppose I am on a spiritual high right now because of my last two weekends. I had the opportunity this year to be apart of the Righteously Outrageous Twirling Corp (ROTC-SLC) www.rotcslc.com They are an amazing group of people that have taken something that they love and made it almost contagious. I never thought that I would want to be apart of a color gaurd of any sort. I couldn’t see myself performing with a flag, nor being any good at it. Laura did j-rotc in high school. She was apart of the expedition drill team that did the full military preparation and spun real 11lb. rifles. When she saw this group in the pride parade, she wanted to do it so badly. It would be like any of the Starmaker girls getting an opportunity to be in a Starmaker group again. It was something that I knew would make her very happy. So in support I thought I would give it a shot. I realized immediately that my inability to enjoy embarrassment was going to be challenged because of the campy and over the top choreography that makes this group so unique. They are a gay and lesbian color guard that performs for pride festivals and events. Especially the parades for PRIDE. They choreograph accordingly. I never thought I would be comfortable enough to enjoy this but it has been the best thing to be put in my life.
I never realized that life would turn out as such that it would be easier to say and accept that I am a drug addict than it would to say that I am a lesbian. That word still struggles to come from my heart. I know that is who I am, and I know that it has always been there, but that doesn’t mean that I have, still to this day, completly accepted it. I am more and more comfortable with who I am today and I know I have a long way to go, and there is so much more on that subject that I will have to talk about later. For now, lets just say that being apart of the ROTC group this year has helped me grow and move to a new place of acceptance and love for myself that I never even knew I was missing. I love those guys and I plan to do it again next year.
So from Sep 25th through Sep 28th we went down to Southern Utah Pride. It was at the base of Zions National Park, and in a group of friends we did the Emeralds Pools Hike, we marched in the parade and performed as the opening act to the festival. I found a political candidate that made me cry when she spoke….Christine Johnson!! She is Utah Legislative branch up for re-election and I hate that she is not in my district. Anyway, It was amazing, we stayed in a house with the group. Laura and I got our own room, we swam in a beautiful pool under the stars and met some of the most amazing and interesting people. I was truly proud to be apart of that community by the time that weekend was over.
Then last weekend we had our Recovery in the Rockies Convention. Utah Area Cocaine Anonymous. I was on the committee again this year, and yes I think that I am going to take a break from all of that next year. Besides next year Rockies will be celebrating 20 years, and I want to fully enjoy that.
I have been listening to speaker tapes and people’s recovery stories and it keeps me connected to why I am here and why I keep fighting for my self. I can’t tell how much I have grown in the past four years, so it is my reminder that I am still moving forward.
My sobriety birthday is coming up as well as my actual birthday. It is definitely a time of reflection and introspection.
I am just a crazy rambler that types too fast for it all to even make sense.
I hope everyone out there has an amazing day!