Thoughts from Panda

I haven’t wrote for a while and tonight probably isn’t the best time to start, but I guess this is a therapy for me. I have so many emotions and for some stupid reason non of them are good. I should be grateful and happy and all of that other bullshit, but I can’t seem to pull it together or make sense of my head hurting so bad.

Yesterday was very interesting. I got up and went to the Rockies committe meeting….that is always fun. I don’t know why I am developing such cynacism towards CA. If it wasn’t for that damn program I wouldn’t be sober today. I wouldn’t have the choices that I have today and I’d never have the opportunities that I have. Being involved on the business level is something that I want to support, but sometimes I wish for the simplicity of early sobriety.  With recovery comes responibility. A responsiblilty to spread the message and make sure that the program that saved my life is there ti save others lives…….sometimes its all I can do to save my own.

Last week my garage door broke. Amanda was opening it and it came off the track. It wasn’t her fault. I wasn’t home but when I saw it I new that my landlord had probably freaked out…..and she did. I guess she was convinced it was because somebody had slammed it….we didn’t. Well yesterday when I got home Amanda had taken it upon herself to go in there and fix it. That alone would send my landlord screaming. So Laura and I go out there to check on her and try to help so it didn’t get worse.   It was probably 150 degrees in that garage and I haven’ been feeling good anyway, so after a little while of frustration I decided to go in and lay unter the air conditioning for a minute. No sooner had I walked inside Laura called me in what I thought was anger, “GET OUT HERE, NOW!”  I went for the door and as soon as I walked outside I saw Amanda. There was blood covering her face and down the front of her shirt. I didn’t know what to do. I took her inside and ran out to Laura to find out why she was still out there.  I guess the metal wire had come loose and flew up into Amanda’s face. Laura was holding the door up just trying to figure out how get out of the garage. She thought Amanda had lost her eye! She didn’t…..thank God. She recieved 6 stitched 1/4 away from her eye…another cut on her cheek and one across her nose. She almost lost her bottom eyelid.

Amanda’s mom is in town and took her to the emergency room, while Laura called her Dad about the garage door. (Which by the way they couldn’t fix) I had another drama to deal with. My friend Ariana, who I went through treatment with had been calling me hysterically since I was still in my committee meeting. I knew I was her only stable support and it had to do with her daughter who she hasn’t been able to contact for four years. The little girls stepmom wanted to see Ari, I don’t want to go into detail but lets just say she has some serious problems, that they believe are Ari’s fault. I took Ari to meet this woman who told her that she didn’t care if she lived or died and watched my friend have to come to terms with the consequences of her actions before she went to jail. I am the strong one right. I walked her and her husband through the anger and showed them that this woman doesn’t care about anybody but that little girl and that they should do whatever they can to help. No matter how well she handled it, I knew that alot had been dumped on her, and four years of questions and worry had all been landslided into a five hour period. I was worried about my friend. 

Let me say first that I don’t stand up and defend Ari as much as I would. I just can’t bring myself to fight for someone that I don’t believe is doing all that she can. She is going through some major shit and I am proud that she is still clean and doing well, but I don’t think that alcohal is any better. Besides that fact that her and her husband still drink…..he is on ankle monitor and basically on house arrest. There shouldn’t be alcohal in the house period.

That is just me. I will be there for somebody, when I shouldn’t and right now I don’t know if I have a marriage left because of it. My battery on my laptop is dying so I must stop and  didn’t even get to the dramatic events of today.

I am going to go home and try to sleep, or end up fighting because Laura is so mad at me. I just want to feel at peace. My number one goal is my son, and nothing is going to stop me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

I believe that my friend Bev is right. I apparently have a lot more anger inside me than I would normally like to admit.  I unfortuanatly remedy that with cigarettes most of the time.  I went to work the other day with my Dad, Bev, and this kid named Brtistol (the one who is the center of my anger at the moment). I rode in the my dad’s truck with all of them up to Ogden to finish a job up there. So I couldn’t smoke all day long and that simply added to the irritation that was already welling up inside me.

Some how I think that no matter what I do I will always be viewed as inferior and weak because I have boobs. That may seem to be unfair to all of the guys out there that believe that there woman has control…..however, most men (no matter how sofisticated) believe that there are certain things that a woman cannot do. We have proven time and time again that women can work in construction, and yet there is this unsaid belief that a woman could just never do as well as a man.

Let me tell you about Bristol. This is a recently reterned missionary (strike one) who has the work ethic of a dog. That is that they work when someone is demanding and doing nothing when no one is watching. He has worked with us for quite a while…..we like Bristol he is a nice guy….he has become the center of this ARS drama that we call work.

He shows up at my Dads house every day. He rides with my dad, therefore paying no gas money to drive to all the different jobs that we have (like Ogden and Alpine and North Salt Lake). My dad buys him breakfast and lunch every day, and sits in the truck while my dad drives to all different places. He clockes in the moment he gets to my parents house and clocks out when he gets back to his truck.

He drives a brand new truck he just bought, but his mom will make the payment if he cleans the kitchen. He lives at home with no bills and nothing to worry about.

Now I’ll tell you about the rest of us girls…..that have to chase them down all over the place just to get half the hours. We support household and pay all our own bills. Bev has three kids she is supporting.  We work twice as hard, to get half as much.

Bristol just got made supervisor over a job that he hasn’t even worked at. Bev and I have cleaned the entire place. So we get to work our butts off so that he gets the credit for getting a job done that he doesn’t even deserve to have.

So here is my smile. I know that no matter how angry I get that my hard work has paid off for me. He has a nice ride right now, and he is getting pretty arogant and self rightous. I will never wish bad for anyone, but I know that this boy does not have it in him to go against the work that we put in…..he can’t compete and I have faith in the fact that he won’t stand a chance against what my dad calls us women….piranas.

My whole life I have loved going to concerts. It gave me a rush to be apart of the crowd and have the music so loud that you can feel it from the inside out. I love the music, I love the entire thing. I wanted to take Laura to a show at Saltaire some time too. I used to love the concerts there. Well, we got the opportunity last Friday. My friends Lisa and Amanda had won tickets to the Killswitch Engage concert from 94.9 and had planned to go. I had told them if I could afford to go I would buy us tix to go with them. Well, I never had the money so I just told them how great the show would be and that they would like the band.

Last minute they decided that they weren’t really interested in going and offered us the tickets!! So we ran to get them after work and headed to the concert. Just to give you an idea of how much I wasn’t thinking….I was wearing a white button up shirt and an Old Navy pull over that made me look like some out of place mom at a metal show. I was so excited to just be that crazy teenager and get right in the middle of the crowd, but my GOD I was so hot!! I didn’t used to care if I stashed my sweaters or other things all over at that place, and now I won’t even take it off for fear I might lose it or ruin it.

In a way my age doesn’t really matter it’s just that I have changed. I don’t care if everyone thinks I’m a hard ass. I don’t care if I just smile when I’m being mangled by the crowd, I love just being there….feeling that same rush, having more of everyone elses sweat on me than my own and going home with my ears ringing. I love it! I don’t know why. Maybe I’m crazy and I don’t want to ever grow up. Maybe I want to be that punk kid that I never could be before. Maybe it’s just something I enjoy and I shouldn’t read into it anymore.

I could have titled it “Job Search” but I think that I am perpetually looking for a job. Always looking and waiting for something better to come along. Looking for more….more…more… the more monster is what I believe destroys the moment. I am constantly working towards something bigger and better. Never satisfied with what I have right now. I am sure that is not all bad It drives me to make decisions that I would normally never make. It motivates me to do something with my life and take action. It also can make me forget to appreciate all that I have right now. What am I waiting for. Is there ever a point when you see that life has pasted you by and there isn’t much to show for it?

The other job that I have is for a company called Advanced Restoration Systems or ARS. It is a restoration and mitigation company for fire, flood, mold and anything that your home owners insurance will pay for.  My dad got involved in this about a year ago, and asked me to put together some friends to be a clean up crew. Well, now my friends are the core to this basic construction and demolition crew that I have been working full time with for about six months. It can create some unneeded drama when working in a field with some extremely chauvinistic views and girls that are all strong willed and stubborn. We fight and get put down,  we out work the men but fight like sisters. To top it all off, we are running out of work. My Dad is talking about going up to Idaho to create a better company with less competition, and that means no more work for us.

I still have Papa John’s to fall back on but we all know how much that excited me. mmmmm so the only option I have is to start looking for another job..

I am sure that with all my experience it won’t be that hard for me to find another job, however I have a past now that can create a lot of problems. I also go to school at night during the week, so that has to be taken into consideration. Not to mention the fact that non of my experience is in the same field or general area. I have had allot of interesting jobs and I learn very quickly, but my experience is random…. What kind of job would I get?????

I have so much experience in retail, but besides the fact that they don’t make much money, who would hire me now?? Being in recovery lets me move away from the destruction of my past, but it does not erase the things that I have done. Who knows if I will ever truly be able to put my past behind me. All I know is that I am the person that I was supposed to be….now. I will let the past work itself out and just keep moving forward.

I do have a lot of experience with clerical and administrative positions. I know that I will find something that will suit me. Until then I working like a good girl should…. In construction.

Well life seems to be the same for me. My circumstances and life can outwardly seem very different than anything in my past, but its all the same. I am the same. There is so much uncertainty in this life! You have to rely on hope and faith to even give yourself a reason to go on. I keep telling Laura…”Just don’t give up”  Don’t give up on anything. I get discouraged some times because I say it so much to everyone else, but what happens when I want to give up???? I don’t ever really want to of coarse!! I have worked to hard to get to the simple point that I am at now. My life is really rather simple. It is busy, but who isn’t busy being broke?? ” I am trying to find a better place for my self in the workforce at the moment. Right now I basically am dabbling in three different jobs, but you can imagin how much real attention that provides to any of them. I still have the title of Local Store Marketing Rep for Papa John’s here is Utah, however I have basically decided that I hate that job. Every one says I am so good at it, but I don’t agree. I don’t ever feel like what I am doing is worth being paid for. I feel like there was no way to tangibly tell if my marketing is actually bringing in sales. I just hate the job, and I am trying to pretend like I am still there even though I hardly work. I can’t seem to just quit. It is probably fear that keeps me hanging on to a job that really doesn’t work for me.

Well I can see how this can be theraputic :)  I don’t know if anyone will be able to understand anything I ever write, but I am going to keep writting. I am keeping my poor wife up late so I can sit and play on the computer, so I will continue this fragmented view of life another time.

Until then remember……life is what you make of it. So make something different for yourself. 

Well I am going to give this a try. I like the idea of basically an online journal although I wouldn’t be sure why anyone would want to read it. It is exciting to be that some much information about people can be found here. To know how my friends feel on a day to day basis, even though they live out of state!! Saves the long distance bill for sure.

I will attempt to keep up on this and allow my writting skills to inprove as I spill my guts all the time.

Wish me luck.