I really don’t know why I don’t just write???? It makes me feel better for some reason to have documented my life in words. That is probably why Laura keeps reminding me that I have to write a book….lol….right….like I have it in me at this point to do that.
I probably shouldn’t write today. I shouldn’t explode onto the screen on a day when it all seems to come crashing down in my head. All the positive walls are striped of their power and the negative and angry thoughts over rule. I am not in a good mood today although since Christmas is tomorrow I feel guilty for not feeling all cheerful and sickeningly full of holiday spirit. Well this year I don’t feel like I have any. We don’t even have a damn christmas tree. imagin that…the house is sold….so don’t decorate….the house isn’t sold (the day after we had all accepted it of course) but now it’s too late to put up a stupid tree. There are all of nine presents piled in the corner of the living room and that is everything. The pile looks so pathetic. All I got Laura this year is a pair of pants and a sweatshirt. Gage has three presents from me and the rest are family stuff. This has got to be the worst feeling Christmas I have had. I don’t know why I can’t seem to feel good about anything. Maybe because I don’t have a job with my dad anymore……..lost $1400 a month on that deal. Happened last month……great so I work part time at the Library and have a screwed up schedual so its hard to get another job….grrrr I don’d even want to talk about that. Basically we have no money. We are worse off right now than we were three years ago. At least then Laura had a car……yea its finally done. It failed safety and after we took care of that and got it registered, then it decides to break down at 6AM in a damn snow storm making both of us late to work and pissy. That was yesterday. The snow storm was so bad that I couldn’t come home and sleep in what is my bed at the moment. I feel very displaced and I hate that my whole life is in storage and as usual I am living out of my car…..the only one we have now. I feel like a guest in this house and yet I claim it because I have to have somewhere that I can be at home. Well when we can come home…..we spent the night at Laura’s parent last night because of the storm that just so happened to hit the hardest in Utah county, especially Eagle Mountain. I slept so deep, and restless that it didn’t feel like I slept at all. The got up at 6:30 am and took Laura to work. Then really wanted to come home and sleep for a min before I had to be at work. RIGHT. Well I made it to Eagle Mountain no problem but for some wonderful reason they don’t plow the neigborhood roads…GREAT! So I start to get worried that I am not going to make it, but I still have to shower and get clothes and at least make it in to the house so that I can get on with my day. The 18″ of snow on the roads is making it interesting but my car. ….. despite the bottoming out and sliding seems to be making it. So I pull onto our road to get to our driveway…..make it about 20 feet and I’m stuck. REALLY STUCK. So I walk to our house and get a shovel. I dig out my car and get as much snow as posibble off the ground around it and I am still stuck. At this point I want to cry, but I keep shoveling and trying to go forward then backwards and shoveling again……….finally I put my car into nuetral and get down in front of the car. Plant my feet in the snow and start to push. I rocked it back and forth for a min…. then I really hurt my self….I pushed as hard as I could twice and I moved it!! I pushed my car enough to go backwards out of the drive. About ten feet from the entrance I got stuck again and the whole proccess started over. I ended up doing this three more times before I parked my car practically in the middle of the other road and went in the house. By this time it is almost 10 AM and I am so mad that I start calling the city and the HOA. What is the point of paying money to HOA when it doesn’t pay for anything. I got so frustrated that I called a snow plow company for a quote to come plow my street!!!! By this time I have to hurry just to be to work on time.
I am tired and sore and Laura is getting sick….I am staying up to make freakin cupcakes to take to people for Christmas because we dont have anything else to give. Besides the fact that we did horrible this year anyway. A serious lack of planning like never before….I don’t have Christmas cards…..I still have to go get a present for my stupid spoiled brother and the last part of the present for Laura’s parents. ….and yes I have to do this on Christmas eve. I have no idea what we are even doing for Christmas this year. We will probably waste time and end up doing nothing and getting in a fight…..its a damn holiday tradition ya know…..stress runs high and we fight. I just want to sleep through the whole thing and at this point I feel like I could.
OK I am sorry about the ranting. I needed to get it out and stop. My head hurts and I can’t help but feel drained and hopeless. There is so much more that has added to this but to let it all out at once I think my head would explode from dropped pressure.
I have been writing this in between making cupcakes to take to people for christmas….after I had to shovel and dig my car out again to get it in the driveway. It is now 1:30 AM and I am so tired that it hurts………I would have wrote more, but when Rachelle got home from her date she got on my computer as I was taking more cupcakes out of the oven……that was an hour almost two hours ago…………I thought she closed my window and everything but she didn’t.
I have to say that I am very glad that I am not trying to date right now…..her stress about stupid people is frustrating. I am glad that I have Laura and I am glad that I know deep in my heart that I have found my “someone” ………I didn’t know when I was younger if I would ever be with anyone. I always felt and told people that I was broken. I wasn’t able to put my feelings into reality. I wanted to have crushes and like boys….I wanted to be drawn to them the way I was to girls. I always put my feelings off as something that was supposed to be there. We are supposed to feel closer to our girlfriends…. right. I didn’t want to acknowledge that I was drawn to girls because I wanted more. I don’t think it even really crossed my mind. I just knew that I wasn’t drawn to guys and that made me more forceful in attempting to be normal. I didn’t feel sexual at all at the time…..even through most of highschool……I didn’t know what sexual attraction was. It isn’t like I can’t look at a guy and think he is attractive…I can….the same way most girls can look at another woman and see her beauty. It wasn’t until I was 18 that I started to realize that there was more to my attention to women. I started to realize….while I was dating the guy I thought I was going to marry…..that I had a sexual attraction to women. I pushed it aside like a disease…..and when Skyler started to come out of the closet….I tried so damn hard to keep him in it…..because I was his living shadow…..and if he accepted that part of himself…that meant I had to….and I couldn’t. I wasn’t ready. So I buried myself in drugs the first time. I hated who I was for so many different reasons and I basically thought that going crazy was a wonderful alternative to accepting myself.
All I know is that life keeps moving forward whether we are prepared for it or not. The only way to succeed in life is to keep moving forward with it. Seeing the truth in life and not the stories we create. I am struggling to live my truth right now and I haven’t even begun to express the tornado that goes on inside me.
So Happy freakin Holidays…….hope I let this out more often so that I can truly have a happy new year.
