Thoughts from Panda

Terrible news today. Daren, Rachelle’s brother, was found today. He hadn’t showed up to work, wouldn’t answer the phone or the door. So today Betty and Rick went and broke into the apartment. They found him…..but it was too late. I can’t seem to really place how I feel on this. Chelly called me hysterical. Laura and I were on our way home from work when she called. She asked if I could take David home (she left him at our house while she was at work) and then told me that Daren was dead. I became my normal comforting self, and just wanted to help her. I hate hearing anyone that upset. I know that they were close and it is the only brother she has that she gets along with. Rick and her don’t really mesh well and Daren has always been Rachelle’s friend. He was doing amazing too…..he just graduated his program and had been completely sober from alcohol for over 300 days.  That’s amazing to an alcoholic. They just spent the weekend together in Idaho when her grandpa died a few weeks ago. I didn’t even know how to comfort her.

So I dropped Laura off at home, picked David up and took him home. When I was in the car alone that is when I started to think. I started to cry. I never really made my amends to him. We dated while I was pregnant and when Gage was first born. He was amazing to me. I know that I was in a bad situation and I was lonely. I thought that I was doomed to be alone and he payed attention to me. He made me feel like I was alright. Like I could eventually be happty. He was there trying to win me over (an impossible feat unfortunately) while I was starting to do drugs. I started  to do them more and more. I started to do them while we were out on dates. I was high when I was with him. I did drugs in his bathroom. I was high when I slept with him. I was miserable and faking that I was all there.

Then when I got kicked out of my house and my parents took my son I blew him off like he didn’t even matter. He did matter! I cared a lot about him, but in the middle of my addiction I shoved him off.

The worst part about all this is that because of my stupid guilt that I run on, I have avoided him like the plague. He never even knew what went wrong or why I acted like such an ass. Well I am sure that Rachelle and Betty have talked to him and I know that Rachelle says that he was fine with me……hell, I saw him at Rachelle’s wedding to Danny, when I first got out of jail. I couldn’t even look him in the eye. I have seen him several times……we took him to an AA meeting with us a couple of months ago. I saw him at Christmas. God has given me so many opportunities to make aments to him and I never did it. I hide inside myself and avoid the uncomfortable. I haven’t even made any of my real amends and I have been sober for 4 years. How pathetic is that.

I have mended the relationships that I wanted to mend. I have made partial amends along the way…..as long as I got what I wanted right. That self centered, self seeking addict is all I feel like I am. Why haven’t I truly made my steps a priority? How have I stayed sober and not made my recovery my number one. I don’t deserve any better than I have right now because I haven’t truly made all the necessary steps towards making the lives of the people I harmed better.

I know that everything happens for a reason…..sometimes I just can’t see it.  He was too young to just die. They don’t even know why he died yet or what he died of. I never got to say how sorry I was and how great of a person I thought he was. It was uncomfortable for me to face him. I don’t like the person that I was back then and it is hard for me to face it. I am starting to realize now how weak I am……..I need to face all of it~!!!! I need to make my amends and say the things that I know that I should before its too late. I only have today!!! I can only count on right now!!! I can only blame me, and I am the only one who can do anything about it.

For the record…..Thank you Daren, for being such a great guy at a time when I had no one I could talk to. Thank you for seeing good in me when I had lost touch of who I was. Thank you for treating me like a lady and wanting me, even if I didn’t feel the same. I am sorry that I wasn’t  fair to you, that I wasn’t honest or trustworthy. I am sorry for all the drugs that I was doing that you didn’t know about. I sorry for bringing them into your home. I am sorry for walking away without giving you any reason, for never telling you what I was really all about. I am ashamed of allot of my actions, and I regret putting you in the middle of my troubles at the time. I know that we did have fun together and I wish I could have understood that we could have been great friends. I know that it is my fault that things went the way they did, and if I could have been honest with myself and you……that we could have been friends to this day. We had so much to talk about and you were always so respectful. So I guess what it comes down to is…….Thank you, and I’m sorry.

Life seems to be focusing in around my sobriety right now. I feel all tied in knots inside, and I need to work it out with words. I remember every day why I am sober, and why I am still involved in recovery. I remember what it feels like to honestly wish that death would take me. I remember so much of the thoughts and feelings I had even if the details are blurry. I had a dream the other night that had me right back inside it all. The high, the escape, the desperation. I woke up to realize that I had carried the dream on into consciousness. Have you ever done that? Realized that you have been awake for a second or two, and your dream is still playing itself out in full technicolor. I don’t believe in coincidences or chance……everything happens for a reason. A lesson to be learned or a challenge to be over come. My mind is my enemy most of the time and it has so much power that I believe for a certainty that it is telling me the truth. The truth, it seems, is as relative as the questions that are asked. I am an addict. I know that because of the evidence that has been so graciously provided over the years. The evidence that is still being provided, sometimes on a daily basis.

After I woke up from that dream we got a phone call. One of our friends in the program died of an overdose on New Years.  He was on the Rockies committee with us last year. He was young and smart, and doing all the service work he could. Here is another reminder of where this disease takes us.

Someone said at the meeting tonight, “He died so that you don’t have to.” It sends a shock wave through my heart to hear that. To realize that just hearing about his death means that I have been given another chance. A chance to take a look at my recovery and see what it means to me to be alive today.

That couldn’t even begin to describe the heart wrenching feeling of tapping our friends shoulder to stop her from nodding off during the meeting. The meeting that we took her to. I need to remember that I am not helping anyone. I give back what was given to me because it saves MY life. Its so frustrating to watch this person. She “messed” up again today. This time back on heroin. I never will understand that drug, but I was a speed freak so I never will. However, so much of her I do relate to. It hurts to watch her go through so many of the motions that I did. The ones that were so in vain.

I remember going home to my parents house so high that I felt like I was detached from my body. I would go home and get into these conversations with my mom. I would talk to her for hours. I would tell her about life and all the things I had figured out. I was trying to make her understand me.  I would tell her all the things I was going to do to fix my problems. I would tell her all my plans and goals. I would pour my brain out for her, and I thought that it was all truth. I thought that I really could be the person that came out of my mouth.

When we picked our friend up, she looked like hell. The first thing she does is get in and start talking. I remember doing the same thing…..”if I just keep talking it will all make sense to them”….She congratulates herself on staying sober the day before and telling us what her goals are and how she is going to fix things. She tells us that it will all be better when…….

I see myself.

Laura doesn’t see herself and she gets frustrated. She tells her that she is not willing. Not willing to really stay sober and do what that takes. Her words are the truth, even though the confrontation in the car has me crawling inside myself.  I see what it feels like to know that she is lying and that she believes her own lies. I feel what it means to try to take those away from her. I can’t do that. I can’t take away the lies from someone, unless they are really ready to give them up. If I didn’t have my lies back then, I would have had no hope at all, and isn’t that what recovery is all about…..hope.

“all it’s about is not using……no matter what.” “your sponsor won’t keep you sober, treatment won’t keep you sober, service work won’t keep you sober, not even God can keep you sober if you don’t put it all together and trust that God can carry you.”

I don’t know what it is that has pulled me this far. Left to my own devices I would have never stopped using. I didn’t want to be sober. All I wanted was to die.  I wasn’t afraid of death, I was more afraid of life. I was afraid that I could never have anything better. I was convinced that this was what life had offered. I was convinced that there was nothing that would take it away. And I look at others now and I think, “How can you not see what you are doing? How can you not see that the world is not going stop for you. How can you ignore all the negative consequences in your life without attributing them to something else”

I know that all the truth, all the reality, and all the consequences couldn’t get me sober. So why is it so hard to look at someone and not understand. It seemed so impossible for me to see what life could be like without the drug, and I didn’t want to try. I felt seriously dependant on it, and yet at the same time……”I must not want to quit bad enough” was my thought process. Because I thought if I wanted to quit bad enough I could. I didn’t realize that without help it was to much for me. Its so easy and in side our comfort zone to follow the patterns of dealing with life. We create this insane process that works for us on the surface, and the surface is so dirty that we can’t see past it.

Did you know that a craving only lasts three seconds. Our mind is what takes it from there and makes it almost unbearable. Even at over four years sober…..I still have to remind myself of that. Stop the thought from turning into a physical feeling. Distract yourself and move on. That is why we live one day…..sometimes one minute at a time.

All I know is that I have a lot of work to do. I have made a promise to myself tonight. No more service work….no more commitments untill I have completed all my step work. I have my own things that need to be worked through. I can’t put anything above my recovery, because without it………..I have nothing else.

I keep wanting to write and I am hoping to have a day when I can play nice and have a good day to write about lol. I am mad right now that my computer for some reason won’t let me on to myspace. Oh well …….. Happy Friday!!!!